Oh I have been so very depressed and in the dumps these past few days. I hate it when I lose my optimism, as it really is one of the things that keeps me going, but lately I really just feel... defeated. I had to go back on oxygen, for the first time in well over a month, and it was quite a psychological blow. I also had to increase my stupid steroid dosage again, as not breathing kind of trumps all the ugly side effects that I hate. I just keep thinking I'm getting better, and I tell myself all these examples that PROVE I'm getting better and then WHAM! I'm right back where I started from a year ago.

Hubby is not helpful, as he is convinced that if I'd simply stop the meds I'd be miraculously cured. I respect that he hates seeing the side effects too (especially the ones that make me gain weight, look like I'm 6 months pregnant, cause my face to be moon-shaped, and make hair grow in strange places...) and he doesn't know how to help, but really, just stopping is so not an option. Not breathing, really not a viable option. I can't seem to get below 10mg on the prednisone, and I'm not really sure if I get worse because I get down to 5mg or I get worse because there's always some bug going around. It's really hard to tell because there's always a bug going around, but I haven't been able to sustain myself below 10mg for a very long time.

It's two weeks until the second opinion pulmonologist appointment, and I'm really looking forward to hearing what someone else has to say. Maybe I'll feel better (psychologically) if another doctor tells me I need 60mg of prednisone daily, or chemotherapy drugs. I really am not enjoying being someone's guinea pig. I did not sign on for a clinical trial of anything.

I just hate it when I feel defeated and my usual sunny disposition is just not there. I try to fake it for the kids, but even the young ones can tell something's wrong. The older ones can kind of guess that I'm just not feeling good and they're trying to help. That of course makes me feel worse because darnit, they shouldn't have to be spending their time worrying about me!

Well, I hope that as i get to feeling better physically I will in turn start to feel better psychologically, and will begin to see the return of the optimist. See, she's there already, believing without a doubt that I will feel better physically!

This life is so short, I just hate to think that I'm wasting it lying in bed rather than enjoying the time I have to spend with those I love. That is what makes me feel defeated.

Does it never stop? The 4 year old is sick, the baby is sick, mama is sick... I had an appt. with my pulmonologist (the local one that I distrust) two days ago, and my oxygen levels were unfortunately down to 88%. He put me on some new med (surpise, surprise, right?) and an antibiotic and I have to go back in two weeks. Hopefully I'll be much better then. In the meantime my 4yo is laying on the couch not doing anything, which is very uncharacteristic of him, so the ped called him in some cough syrup and an antibiotic. Something nasty is going around here!

And hubby hurt his knee Monday night playing soccer. I don't feel sorry for him. That said, he's not much help around the house this week. Hopefully we all feel better soon!

This morning I got brave and decided to take the youngest two (since everyone else is in school) and head to the grocery store for some essentials before the weekend hits. Alone. Without hubby. What the HELL was I thinking?

First of all, it is freaking FREEZING out there, so it was quite an accomplishment just to get everyone bundled up enough to go out and I was out of breath before we left the porch. That should have convinced me to at least go back inside and gather reinforcements (in the form of hubby), but noooooo, i just loaded them in the van and off we went.

On the way there, 4year old has a meltdown in the back seat because the DVD player won't work anymore and he doesn't know why but, "We're going to be there in a minute and I didn't even get to watch my cartoooooooooooooons!" Actually I found this kind of amusing and tried not to laugh at him because it would only make the screaming worse. So baby hears his brother screaming and crying, decides that sounds like a fun game, so he joins in. Now 4yo is getting angry because the baby has no RIGHT to be screaming and crying, this is HIS FIT daggonit! So rather than continue crying about the DVD player, 4yo commences yelling at baby that he can't see DVDs anyway and has NO REASON to cry! I'm in the front seat taking it all in and turning the xm 80s station louder and louder.

WE arrive at the grocery store, which thankfully is only about a 10 minute ride, and I proceed to gather the kidlets and purse and head inside. Did I mention it's freaking COLD here today? So I am carrying baby and holding 4yo's hand and we're running for the door. WE're running slowly, but we're running. As a result, I get inside and I can't breathe. At all. Really, people in my position should know better than to run across parking lots, but it was COLD!

I manage to get a cart and get baby loaded in the front of it, but it has no seat belt. That's okay I figure, he usually manages to get out of the belt eventually anyway. I pull the cart over to the side because I'm still panting like a Saint Bernard in Florida in July and I'm desperately trying to catch my breath. This makes the passage very narrow so that other shoppers can just barely get around us, but I can't help it and there's no where else for me to go at this point. They are giving me dirty looks and the baby starts crying. I just want to breathe. Can't those people see that I'm not breathing?

So, I'm panting, the baby is crying, and now 4yo decides that he must pitch a fit as well and he will not stop yelling until he gets in the back of the cart. Of course, I am simply unable to lift him into the cart at this point because really, that would require air which I am out of. I plead with 4yo to just let mama catch her breath a minute and then I PROMISE to put him in the back of the cart. Meanwhile baby is still screaming and has progressed to throwing loaves of bread into the cart and the floor because I am distracted by that pesky breathing business.

It probably took a solid five minutes to get my breathing under control (and a couple of puffs from my inhaler) but it felt like 3 hours. And then I was good to go and figured we'd be okay for the rest of the store. I put 4yo in the back of the cart, and off we went.

The entire time, baby is desperately trying to escape from the cart and grab things off the shelf. I realized it was time for his mid-morning nap and just tried to hurry. We only had to pick up a few essentials but the things we did need covered the entire area of the store. But we made it. And then we checked out, with 4yo trying to grab every kind of candy imaginable and the baby trying to climb onto the conveyor belt all the while screaming at the top of his lungs and crying and I was digging in my purse trying to find some money... It was not a pretty sight.

Eventually we made it back home and then I had to carry baby and groceries in the house, and that was seriously enough to do me in. I had to have one of those lovely pain killers that my pulmonologist was nice enough to prescribe because truly my chest and back are dying. I sat in my desk chair (just inside the door) and did nothing but breathe in, breathe out for a good 20 minutes. I think maybe I can move enough to put the groceries away now.

So there you have it, adventures in grocery shopping. Next time if hubby is unavailable or unwilling to keep said children while I go grocery shopping I will find a babysitter or pay someone else to go grocery shopping for me. I didn't even remember half the stuff we NEEDED because I just wanted to get out of there and BREATHE.

Just have to stop in for a minute and say that today we have almost six inches of snow and still falling but school is ON! Whoever is in charge of deciding when to have snow days really should be fired.

I think the youngest here has the right idea, and I wish I could trade him sometimes. I mean, he wakes up whenever he wants to wake up, he does whatever he wants (mostly) all day long, eats whenever he wants to eat, naps whenever he wants to nap, and hell, he even has someone to wipe his butt for him! What more could one ask for? I was thinking about this because my hubby has this little thing he does where he'll say he's hungry but then he has to check his watch to make sure it's time to eat. When did we decide we had to eat by the clock rather than our hunger? And this thought of course led to wondering why I try to force myself to sleep at 10 even though I'm really not sleepy until midnight; why ignore our body's cues in favor of society's notions of timing standards? Hmm, ponder ponder. Well, I know the bedtime has something to do with me knowing that a certain little someone who gets to wake up whenever he chooses will have me awake a couple of times during the night and no later than 8:00 in the morning. I can't remember the last time I slept as long as I wanted. But when the kids are older, or for those without kids, I wonder...

We had snow this morning so they called off school. That's right, a snow day. Okay, "snow" is a term to be used lightly apparently, because the "snow" was in actuality less than half an inch and was completely gone before noon. I can't believe they closed school for that. Why, when I was a kid we had to walk to school in the snow... uphill... both ways... okay maybe not, but it was a goofy day for a snow day, I think the teachers just wanted an extra day off or something.

I'm supposed to start my allergy shots anytime now, just waiting for the manufacturer to send the medicine to the local health center. I'm to go every two weeks for an injection, oh joy. It's a fairly new medicine too, and frankly I'm a little afraid of it but I did a lot of research and it really does look like something that could help so I guess I'll give it a try. I'm so ready for something to help. I'm still having good days and bad, but I'm not anywhere near as bad as I was a few months ago so I guess I'm improving slowly but surely. Now as soon as I say that, tomorrow will find me out of breath and unable to get out of bed because that's what happens! I just think I'm doing better and WHAM! I'm down again. Hopefully not.

Ah well, that's the boring update for today, not much exciting happening around here but that's okay. I like it that way for now, I've had enough excitement to last me a while.