So I'm finally going to another pulmonologist for an official second opinion! However, because they are so stinking busy at the big university pulmonologist office, my appointment is not until the end of February. I guess that's okay, as it gives me plenty of time to get all my xrays, ctscans and test results together to take up there with me.

I went back to the naturopath yesterday, and he took the time to get the ct films out and explain exactly what everything was, and point out where the problem is. It was very enlightening! Of course he has me on some herbal stuff that is supposed to help; I have as much faith in it as the steroids and pharmaceutical stuff to tell the truth. I haven't stopped the other stuff yet, but I would really like to someday soon.

On the bright side, it seems my blood pressure has returned to normal after being up since the baby was born. I've been off my blood pressure meds for several months now, and my bp remains steady and low (as it always was until post partum with baby #4). So hopefully that was just a hormonal post-baby thing and I won't have to worry about that anymore since I'm not having any more! On that note, hubby needs some sense smacked into him as he keeps making little remarks about having another one because he would like a girl.

Excuse me, did you not notice that the last one almost KILLED me? Have you not paid attention this past year while I've been in and out of the hospital, ICU, ER, on meds that I can't stand, unable to take care of myself some days and certainly unable to care for our child... hello? He doesn't think the pregnancy was related, it was just coincidence that my health problems started when he was two weeks old, and I'd be just fine to have another.

Oh, and nevermind the fact that I don't want another - I'm thinking five is good. There is no guarantee that a sixth would be female. I told him we could adopt a girl if he really wanted a girl that badly, but that won't do. Rest assured, we will divorce over this if it means that much to him. I honestly can't believe he's thoughtless enough to even mention it, and it's a huge issue. He thinks it's fine because in a year or two (he says) my health problems will be gone and then we can have another.

I am quite happy with what we have and do not feel like tempting fate or pushing my luck any further!

Next year, right? I hate it when that happens! Ah well, my sister was happy and it was her birthday so I guess it's all good. I'm pretty much over it now...

Had my repeat CT scan the other day and got results. The mass they saw last summer is apparently still there but not changing or growing or otherwise causing problems so it's all good. Pulmonologist said he believes it to be scar tissue. I absolutely do not trust this pulmo guy though, and I really am looking for another opinion. I'm taking the films to my naturopath next week to see what he thinks. The pulmonologist kind of freaks me out a little. He wants to start me on these shots every two weeks, which are brand-spanking new - took all kinds of hoops and testing for my insurance to approve it. And I'm a little afraid of new drugs. They have no idea what the long term effects of said injections are, they simply haven't studied anyone long enough to know! Sure, I'll be your guinea pig. So there's that. And then there's the fact that he STILL wants me on 40mg of prednisone. For almost a year now! Everything I've read seems like that is a really, really bad idea. My family dr. thinks that is a really, really bad idea. So now pulmo said well, if you must get off the steroid (prednisone) then next time you come we'll talk about putting you on some chemotherapy drugs. For what?

I don't know, he didn't give me the names of any drugs that he was considering but rest assured that I would research the hell out of anything before taking it. And I continued to complain about muscle pain from the effort involved in breathing, so he gave me percoset, valium, and flexeril. Yeah, I'll be a zombie but at least I won't be in pain ! Maybe he's hoping I'll be so out of it that I won't think to ask what kind of other drugs he's putting me on, or I'll be addicted enough that I won't care as long as he writes the good scripts!

I don't know, I think honestly he just doesn't know quite what's wrong with me and intends to use me as a guinea pig until they find something that works. Except I don't enjoy being a guinea pig much and really don't want to play that game! I see my family doc (I do like him believe it or not, there aren't many doctors on that list) on Monday, who also got my CT results, so I'll see what he has to say. And then the naturopath on Thurs., so it will be interesting to have another perspective.

Still, I *am* getting better. The bad times are really not as bad and the good times are much better. I still have hope that I'll be mostly normal someday! (Okay that was the laugh of the day as I've never been normal).

I've stopped giggling now, really I have. But I do still smile when I think about a certain someone cursing all the way (2 hours!) home.

At any rate, don't forget tomorrow is GO BUCKS day! Let's please not have a repeat of last year's tragedy! Everyone dig out your scarlet and grey and show some support.

My little sister HATES the Buckeyes, don't know why... she's a Michigan fan through and through (I should note that we do live in Ohio) and has now gone out and purchased special for tomorrow a bright purple LSU jacket, which she has been wearing since Christmas or thereabouts. She asked me to go to watch the game with her tomorrow, but alas I can't as hubby is working so I will be watching at home with the kidlets. I did, however, inform her that should the unthinkable happen, I will not be answering my phone (landline or cell), email, myspace messages, door, or any other method through which she planned on teasing me. I'm safe here, she doesn't know about the stream.

Oh, it also happens to be her birthday tomorrow, so I'll have to be sure to call her early to wish her a happy birthday... just in case.

I'm really nervous at the moment I guess, I have a CT scan scheduled on Tuesday to make sure that the mass they saw in my lung last June/July was in fact transient and nothing to worry about, and that it's gone now. And to check for scarring, and just to see if my lungs are looking any better. They don't sound better (via stethoscope). But I do *feel* better, which has to count for something right? At any rate, I'll get the results Wed. so not like that stupid biopsy that I had to wait so many weeks for. At least there's that.

I'll keep you all posted!

Yes, I know it is. Sigh. But I really, really don't get along with my teenage son's father, simply because he put us through a helluva custody battle that lasted for years during a crucial point in teenager's life (he was almost 12 when it started, and 14.5 when it ended). It did a lot of damage to their relationship, it hurt my son, and I have a really hard time forgiving his dad for that because it (the custody case) conveniently coinsided with a substantial increase in the amount of child support he had to pay. During the whole thing, I really, really sucked up a LOT for the sake of teenager, and through it all I was very careful what I mentioned in front of him. Still, he was old enough to know what was going on, and the court appointed a guardian-ad-litem to represent him anyway, blah dee blah.

SO, anyway, at the time the custody case started I was living approximately 7 hours from dad. I was picking teenager up, and I arrived 2 hours early with a 2 month old baby (my now 4 year old) because it's really hard to time a 7 hour drive ALONE with a 2 month old baby who is nursing on demand and crying whenever they feel the need... at any rate, dad refused to give teenager up early, and so baby and I sat in the car in the cold for 2 hours so they could watch a movie. Nothing I could do. SUcked it up.

So many little things like that over the course of those 2.5 years, and I smiled and took it because in the end teenager will come to his own conclusions about his dad and it's not for me to influence his feelings on the matter. He was perfectly within his legal rights, just maybe a teeny tiny bit on the vindictive side ($$ talks) and trying to do whatever he could to make MY life miserable, not noticing or not caring how he hurt our son in the process.

Well, the point of all this is that our visitation schedule is written very badly, but for Christmas it states that I get teenager (in odd years) from 10 a.m. on Christmas morning and the second half of Christmas vacation (from school). Regular weekend (every other weekend) visitation will resume the weekend following christmas vacation.

Oh, it's also important to mention that we now live 2 hours apart.



His dad came to pick him up today. His Christmas vacation isn't over until Monday. All the other schools went back Wed., but ours doesn't go back until Monday. Still my weekend.

So is it wrong that I giggled? A lot? My teenager is not here, for the record, he's at the movies with some friends. So he didn't see me giggle. He stood at the door, mouth agape, and said "Are you f*^ing kidding me?" I of course feigned sorrow and said "Too bad he's at the movies... see ya next weekend!" I hope he made it off the porch before my giggle started, so he didn't hear me and all.

I know it's wrong. I will stop giggling now, promise. But it does make up just a teeny tiny bit for all those times...

I'm sorry, still giggling.

As I have kidlets crawling all over and probably not much time for posting! I do sincerely wish these kids would STOP bringing home colds for mom to catch. Really guys, I'm sick of being sick! I've caught the 4 year old's cold now, which is a chest coughy yucky thing that I hope won't turn into anything serious. It went to bronchitis in my daughter and pneumonia in her dad, so I'm a bit worried... And coughing like crazy. Can't sleep for the coughing, and my stupid coughing muscles are so sore!!!

Well, anyway, I just hate it because I've been feeling pretty good again but apparently I'm still fragile and it doesn't take much to knock me back down. On the bright side, I am still at home, not hospitalized (knock on wood!) and hope to stay here.

Oh, and the baby has a nasty sinus infection as well as double ear infections not to mention the poor little guy is cutting an eye tooth. So he's miserable and wants his mama. That's all for now, send me some get well vibes!