We're here! Satellite internet is not so fast, and I'm having trouble making posts but I plan to upgrade my plan tomorrow which will hopefully improve things a bit.

We moved in yesterday, and I am exhausted but I really truly love it here. It is exactly what I wanted. I have to share a hilarious snake story sometime soon, but for now I just wanted to update and say I'm here and I'm happy.

Next week is clean up at the old house. I won't be sad to see it go.

I performed the mold/bacteria test last week, and unsurprisingly enough, discovered that my living room has a really substantial amount of mold and bacteria floating about. Hmm, wonder of wonders. I'm glad that something grew there, quite frankly, because it means that there is a better chance that moving will improve my condition.

Speaking of which, the Move will occur in 4 days, and I still don't have everything packed. I did get more boxes today and have accomplished quite a lot, but there is still so much more to do! And tomorrow I will have to take teenager to the doctor (sore throat and fever) and Thurs. I have to go to the new house and wait for someone to come install our satellite for internet. There is no cable there, we had to get satellite internet, and satellite internet is NOT CHEAP. For the record. Still, I'm thankful that satellite internet exists because without it I'd be forced back to dial up and that would really suck.

The only things I really have left to do (besides finish the packing)are call the trash collection company for the new house and go put in a change of address at the Post Office. Then once we're there I'll have to deal with changing the tags on the cars, the drivers license, doctors, and all that jazz, but for now I can relax a little. I spent most of yesterday at the new place waiting for the DirectTV guy to get his stuff done, and I have to say I really loved it there. I was working on unpacking and arranging a few things and the kids were outside running around, playing soccer and badminton and just being silly, and we had an absolute blast. I didn't have to worry about them running off into the street, I could watch out the window and still feel safe. There was a breeze blowing through and the weather was perfect - it was just a great day.

I'm really looking forward to being in the new house and really, really looking forward to being done with this move.

Ugh, I am really hating the stress involved with this moving crap. I wish hubby would step up and deal with some of this stuff, but he refuses and expects me to take care of it. It makes me wonder how in the world he will ever survive if this disease claims me early. He won't, of course, he'll either move back in with his mother or will quickly remarry. He isn't one to function on his own, he just isn't. He won't make a single phone call about phone service, or internet service, or lawn service, or any service for that matter, but he thinks it will just be there ready and waiting for him. He claims it is because English is not his first language and he gets uncomfortable on the phone, but I call BS and say he is comfortable when he feels like being comfortable and he's been in the US for 10 years now.

Anyway, he did finally get on the phone and do something but only because I called all the local cable companies (local to the new house that is) and no one provides service to our address! It is too rural . That's just fine by me, I don't watch TV anyway, but he had a FIT. The man can't live without television, come on! So he finally did get on the phone and set up DirectTV, but only because I said I was happy without a TV and wasn't calling anyone else. Then he had a cow when he realized that no one provided high speed internet out there in the sticks, and we might be forced to go back to dial-up! Oh the horrors! So he got on the phone again and set up satellite internet (which costs an arm and a leg for the record). So, next week we'll have TV and Internet via shiny new satellites, and we move in on the 20th.

Whatever illusions we had of saving any money by moving are quickly being eaten away by the reality of increased rent, increased cost of internet, increased cost of television, and so forth. Oh well, hopefully my health will improve and it will be worth any increased cost.

I need to take my teenager shopping and I keep putting him off. I really have felt bad this week and I've had a raging migraine for a couple of days now. Imitrix helped yesterday, but it's back again today so go figure.

My science experiment came via UPS (the mold/bacteria kit) and I did the test yesterday. Now I have to let it grow until Sat. morning and then see what happens. I'm very interested to say the least.

That's about it from the front lines, nothing much exciting going on here. Packing and getting ready to head out, wishing hubby would step up and give a little extra sometimes because I'm really not operating at 100% these days and sometimes the prospect of more stress is just too much.

Another Monday, another week. My teenager is driving me crazy, what else is new? I signed him up for virtual school, which really isn't going bad, but he thinks he knows how to get his assignments and do them on his own and then I log in and discover that he inadvertently skipped half of his work. It's a problem with how the school has his work set up in combination with him thinking he knows everything there is to know about everything (typical teenage know-it-all-edness). They have this "checklist" that parents/teachers can check to see at a glance what assignments are late or not done. However, on the student's page there is a "to-do" list and teenager is convinced that as long as he does what is on that list he is golden. SOme of the teachers, however, do not put the work on that particular list and as such he is missing quite a few assignments in certain classes. Ah well, it's new and when the kinks get ironed out I think it will be good for him.

The baby (who is so not a baby anymore) is almost completely potty trained! As long as I don't put a diaper on him, he pees on a folded up cloth diaper on the floor . Or on the porch. Not the potty though. It's funny, it makes me think of paper training a puppy. Whatever works, right? He's not peeing in diapers, that is the point. I bought him some underwear but it works best if I let him go bottomless. And he brings me a diaper to poop in when he needs to poo. He's pretty young for potty learning I guess, probably the youngest of my brood except for maybe my daughter. I do believe she was consistent on the potty at around age 2. Most of them have been closer to 3. This little guy won't be 2 until November, but then again, he really wants to be like his big brothers.

I'm awaiting a kit to test my home for mold and bacteria from a doctor in TX, he's supposed to send it out today via FedEx. Even though we're moving in a couple of weeks, I'm interested in seeing whether or not this house contains any potential allergens that could be contributing to my condition. I suspect that it does, and the doctor there agrees. We shall see.

I really hope the move helps somewhat, and if it doesn't I think I will be depressed beyond belief. I guess I will have to come to terms with it, but for now I'm still hopeful that a new environment will make a difference. There's really not much else left for me to do.

It's time for soccer tournaments again, so I'll probably tag along with hubby when I'm feeling up to it and see what some nearby cities have to offer. Sometimes I enjoy going and sometimes it's just a drag. I have plans for this weekend's destination, however, and am kind of looking forward to it. The only downside is that it's ex's weekend with the olders and so I'll have to drive quite a distance on Sunday to retrieve them.

Still much packing to do, and move date is less than 2 weeks away. I guess I'd better get busy, huh?

I think the worst part about being sick, even terminally ill, is the guilt. I carry so much guilt thinking about my kids and leaving them behind, and what that will mean for their childhood. I can't stand the thought of them hurting, and especially when it is at my hands (even in a roundabout way). I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel that way sometimes anyway.

At the same time, I carry guilt when I'm feeling bad because it feels like I'm wasting precious time laying in bed when I should be creating memories for my kids. I can't stand the thought that I'm selfishly sending them away when I should be cherishing every single moment, when the moments have very real potential to be diminshed. And yet, not taking the time to heal, when I'm feeling down, simply causes a cascade of events that usually ends with me defeated and in bed recovering whether I like it or not. Thankfully, I've come to terms with feeling bad and will take the time to lay low and feel better, but I still push myself to the limits quite often and I still carry that guilt when I do have to lay around for a while.

I wish I knew how to get past that. It feels like trying to squash a lifetime into too short of a period of time. It feels like I'd better hurry up and do the things I hope my kids remember, because i may not get the chance again. In some ways, this is a good thing because it forces me to do things that I might have otherwise put off (white water rafting, for example!) and I know that they'll remember those things forever and always whether I'm around or not. And we had a blast. That's one example, but there are many.

In other ways, however, it feels... just awful, and I wonder how my little ones will remember this time. I don't think my yougest 2 will ever remember me being well, I will probably always be sick in their minds. The older ones, though, can easily recall a time when I could physically do more but probably didn't have the time or motivation to do as much... so I wonder. Of course there's no right answer and we play the hands we're given, but I hope that what comes out of my illness is that someone, somewhere might stop to smell the roses today. They might not be there tomorrow guys!

All in all, I'm still either in denial or hopelessly optimistic. I'm still hopeful that the move will help, if not to improve my breathing then at least to stop the progression of this disease. I'm also hopeful that the new drug might do *something* besides make me sick and unable to eat. This pulmo visit was the first where the dr. really made me feel like the situation was very, very grim and my prognosis was not so good. It was a tough blow to be sure. I can't see the point in losing hope, however, and think my kids need the positive mama as much as possible. Of course I have down times, and down days, and I spend some nights crying when they're all asleep, but I really want to believe that I'm going to be around to see my youngest graduate high school. Or college even!

I guess if there's no improvement or if the disease is still progressing when I follow up in four months (if you're keeping tabs it should be right around Christmas, or shortly after- they're going to send my appt. date via mail) then I'll go ahead and let him repeat the stupid open biopsy. I really hope I won't have to worry about it, I hope something works before then.