Coming right up, I can feel it! I'm so excited. I am hallucinating somewhat as it starts to kick in. Go ambien, woohoo. Love for team ambien. And Dil, I can still push that button. Wow, these are crazy knock me on my butt, time to rest a while....

K, if I wake up dead tomorrow, y'all will know it's from a massive heparin overdose. I swear she just gave me 10x more than I've been getting, but I asked her to check it and (of course she didn't) but she swore it's what I've been getting all along. Me being all dopey on dilaudid and all, don't feel much like arguing at the moment but at least now someone will know! Truly, I should take a picture of my belly at this moment. It's covered in the biggest bruise I've ever witnessed on my own self. One big ole belly bruise. Sexy, break out the bikini. Hubby kind of freaked today when he saw it. But tonight I'm just gonna take my ambien and hit my dilaudid button until I pass out. Hope some happy hallucinations come to take me away to lalaland and keep me there until morning. Yay.

happy sleeping. for now.

make the beepies stop

One of my pulmonologists claims to have called mayo clinic again today and says there still aren't results and there's nothing else they can do from here. Just wait. Like me. Waiting sucks. I didn't sleep well last night, woke up with nausea and general blahs, not to mention pain. Maybe I should take them up on that ambien every night? I just worry about what I'm going to get hooked on while I'm sitting here trying to get well. IT's a shame, as someone should be keeping an eye on that for me, and I should be able to relax and take my meds and not have to worry about it. However, I know it doesn't work that way. I don't want to be battling an addiction! So I'm trying to minimize the drug usage. Not to mention that i"m still working on the breastfeeding, challenging though it may be..

On that front, I think that's something else to depress me, truly, but I'm trying to keep a small milk supply going for my little guy. He likes his nursies, and if I have even a small amount of milk for him then we can reestablish a nursing relationship when I'm out if we both so desire. Quite frankly I think he's okay with solid foods, formula, and bottles, but I don't want to cut off that option until I have to, and it's comforting for ME. So I've been pumping, feeding him when possible, and checking all my meds through the nursery to make sure everything is safe just in case. Today they wanted to start me on an antidepressant (gee, you think I might be depressed? Can't imagine that!) but somehow they couldn't be bothered to get one that's safe for breastfeeding. I know they exist, I know women get ppd and breastfeed and have antidepressants. I have a nursing drug book, I know there are safe antidepressants. Yet, they prescribed unsafe ones that I can't take if I want to continue to breastfeed. SO I declined them, but I asked them to get me one that is compatible. Of course they didn't, so I have no antidepressant. Go figure. Oh well, when I get out if I'm still down and out I'll go see my family dr. for that. He doesn't have priveleges in this hospital, so I don't see him when I'm in here.

The surgeon came to see me today, and said he could in theory send me home with chest tube in and I could come back and have it taken out. I think I looked at him like he had 4 heads. And explained to him that I have 5 children who would love to pull out a chest tube. He replied that 1 was too many for me to take care of right now, and we'd just keep me here until the chest tube is ready to come out. So I think I'm in until Saturday-ish as it stands right now. The lung dr. has been ready to send me home for a couple of days now. Really, I'm not in a hurry guys! One bathroom. Upstairs. Hubby working. 5 kids. What else do I need to say????

Really I just hope we get biopsy results tomorrow, because if not then it will be at least Monday and I'm just tired of waiting. I guess I've waited this long, what's another few days right? I'm just sick of being sick, sick of being in pain, and sick of complaining about it. I know everyone is sick of hearing it!

I need some good news!!!!

Why oh why do they even bother to put beepy thingies on these IV machines? It's not like anyone is actually paying attention to them. Rather, they serve as a torture device for the poor patient who clearly is not suffering enough as it is. This time, my RN "started" my antibiotic over half an hour ago. Except she forgot to hit the "confirm" button, so it's actually never started. It started beeping the moment she walked out the door, and it hasn't stopped since. Meanwhile, I have my call light on all this time and I'm sitting here crying in pain, but no one has been in.

Finally, someone from respiratory therapy happened to come in for my breathing treatment, and managed to find someone to silence that god-awful beep. Need a new way to torture POWs in Guantanamo Bay? Just hook them up to one of these stupid IV machines, set it to beep, and walk away! And if you want to be really cruel, give them a button and the impression that if they have had enough and want to talk, they should simply press said button and someone will come. Then sit back and watch the fun as they push the button and wait for help that never shows. Oh the joy.

Yes, I'm getting morbid with my increasing incarceration time. One lung dr. from yesterday really wanted to send me home today, but I've yet to figure out how he's going to do that. Every breath still hurts, I'm still hooked up to the PCA, still have a chest tube hooked to wall suction, still have breathing treatments every 4 hours (okay in theory I could get a machine and do that at home). Not to mention I only have one bathroom at home, and it's upstairs, so I must be able to navigate stairs before anyone can be sending me home.

Really I just wish the stupid biopsy results would come back. I keep thinking it must be bad news because if the thing were normal it wouldn't have taken nearly this long to look at it and declare it normal. I'm a wreck.