Finished this week's clinicals, woohoo! We went to the ER for today's clinicals actually, great experience since everyone needs a catheter and an IV pretty much. I almost had a breakdown when my clinical instructor asked how I was feeling. It just struck me, and I wanted to start crying! How embarrassing! And completely unprofessional! But she was very understanding and didn't make me feel stupid for my lapse. Then she took a look at my latest bloodwork and said she didn't know how I was even standing, let alone taking care of others during clinicals. My oxygen saturation is low enough that I'm almost in need of a vent in the ICU... but not quite. And my chest xray is getting better, so I'm trying very hard to be optimistic.

I went to see my lung specialist again today, he wants to do an open lung biopsy next. I'm not too sure about this, as it's a major surgical procedure and does not sound like a bit of fun. Then again, if it tells them exactly what is wrong with me... However, if there's any chance that the biopsy will tell them nothing, I'm not going to do it (because I know by now it's just my luck that if the possibility exists, my biopsy will tell them nothing!) I have to go have a consult with the surgeon next week, and we're going to wait a few more weeks to see if I'm improving or not since the chest xray was so positive.

Baby has learned to sit up by himself, and he is just so cute. Right now he's fussing because he's wanting me to come play in the floor with him, but he has those chubby little baby legs and chubby little baby pot belly... They don't look so cute on mom, but they're adorable on him! We've been spending a lot of time outside on the swing set in the evenings, it's good for all the kiddies.

Well, there's the update from here. I'm still holding on to my optimism and a good chest xray is better than nothing!

Two more clinicals to get through guys! Well, four actually, but two sets of clinicals. I have psych clinicals on Tues. and med surg on Wed., so two more of each. It's a good thing too, I'm not sure most days if I'm getting better, worse, or staying mostly the same. I guess I have good days and bad, but it's so damn frustrating. I'm going for some other test tomorrow, and have another appt with my lung specialists on Wed. But I'm betting he'll say something like, "Your test was perfectly normal. We can't find anything, aside from the fact that your lungs are full of gunk and you can't breathe. You're like an episode of House, ha ha ha! Keep taking the steroids and call if you get worse... that'll be $500 please."

I'm hoping the summer off will allow me to heal or at least learn to live with this limitation in a way that satisfies me. Today everyone is out of town except me and baby, and I'm enjoying some relatively peaceful quiet time. Not nearly enough of that around here! Have a quiz tomorrow, but I don't really care and don't intend to spend any time studying for it! Is that depression kicking in? Nah, I think it's just a matter of my grade can handle it and I have better things to spend my time on today!

Me and baby are going outside to enjoy the day.

Only 3 more sets of clinicals to make it through, a few finals, and then Summer break, wooohooo! I can't wait! This has been a rough week to say the least. My breathing has been getting progressively worse again since about Tuesday, enough so that I almost went back to the ER tonight. I still may wind up there, but I'm really hoping to avoid it. So that's enough to stress a person out but that's not all. I had tests in all 3 of my classes this week, just survived my last one today. I passed them all though, and am glad that's one less thing to worry about.

Meanwhile, middler and preschooler have been sick with a stomach bug since last weekend. Middler started last Sunday, preschooler on Wed., with alternating rounds of staying up hugging the toilet all night. Hubby is out of town for the weekend, but thankfully they both seem to be on the mend.

And if that weren't enough, teenager got suspended from school for not serving a detention, so no school for him next week. He did this on purpose, so he and his friends could have a 'skip week' but he's missed so many days now that he will not pass this year and will repeat 9th grade again next year. Cute, huh? I'm so mad at him right now, and he seems genuinely surprised that I'm angry. He'll be going to school with me next week, there will be no fun for him. With everything going on right now, I really haven't been able to give him the attention/supervision he needs, and I guess it's showing.

So, 3 more weeks... just hanging on for 3 more weeks. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Today it's time for something NOT about me being sick! (although I still am...)

The baby is nearing 6 months old, and starting to sit up by himself. They do grow too fast! He's also taken an interest in our food as of late, so I bought him some little bananas and such and started him on some solids thinking it'd be a nice distraction for him. Well, I have never seen such a little oinker in my life! This child starts SCREAMING this high pitched panic stricken cry if you don't give him another bite fast enough . He also gives the same shriek if you try to wipe his face, because he thinks he's finished when he sees the wipe come out. It's the funniest thing ever! He can put away quite a bit for such a little guy, and while I thought it was going to be a distraction and he'd still mostly get his nutrition from breast milk... I think he'd take the baby food any day. He's going to be quite the little eater.

In other news, hubby put a hole in the old clunker car, so we're down to one vehicle at the moment. It's an '85 Honda that I use primarily to get me around town, has 165k miles on it. But I do love that car. At any rate, it got a hole in the muffler/exhaust somewhere and was sounding like a race car, and this is a car that you work on yourself - I'm not about to start forking over $$ to a mechanic to fix it, I'd be in the hole!

Well, poor hubby has never dealt with a car like this before, and my dad (who usually helps me with such things) is down and out with back problems at the moment, no way can he get under a little Honda. So he gave the parts to hubby and told him what to do... and hubby jacked up the car and somehow the jack went right through the frame! So my car has a hole in it. I haven't actually looked at it (I was dressed up today and didn't want to lay on the ground in my new dress) so I don't really know what the damage is, but for the moment at least the exhaust still sounds like a race car (because hubby can't figure out where that "pipe" goes ), my dad got a very good laugh, and I am mourning my Honda. I'll investigate tomorrow, I hope.

I'm not in the mood to post much lately because it seems like I'm just posting the same thing again and again. I'm still sick. I still can't breathe. They still don't konw what's wrong. I'm like an episode of House. My dr. said that to me yesterday, except he pointed out, I'm not dying yet.

I'm getting depressed and so frustrated. I don't think I will ever get better. I feel better for a few days, and then I'm right back where I started. Today at clinicals my o2 sats were down to 86% again. I'm sure I could have/should have been admitted. I'm in so much pain in the muscles I use to breathe with. They've just been entirely too overworked. I'm gaining weight from the steroids. I'm so grouchy I can't stand myself, but I'm just so overwhelmed and I just want to breathe. That's all. I just want to feel normal, I don't even CARE how fat I get!!!