I'm appalled. Astounded. Sad. Mad. I'm ashamed to say our toddler learned some curse words courtesy of yours truly last night. In my defense, it really was appropriate to the situation.

What happened to my Buckeyes?

I didn't watch the last part of the game, had to tear myself away before toddler started sounding like a sailor. He was so proud to point out to me, "Mom, you said 'fucking piece of shit; you not s'posed to say the f word!'" I have to say, I don't usually toss around obsenities but they just kept slipping out.

But enough about that, there's always next year...

I'm freaking out a little about tomorrow, I have my first clinical of the new quarter and *gasp* they expect me to actually care for patients at the hospital. Kind of funny I'm heading back to the same hospital I quit working at last fall, but I have no choice in the matter. If my patient needs a new IV, cath, etc., I will be expected to do it. Pity the poor soul who is in the hospital trying to recover and has to deal with me learning how to start an IV on them. I know we have to learn sometime, somewhere, but doesn't that just seem WRONG? Ah well, I'm glad to have something to challenge and distract me.

As for hubby, I honestly think the man is just clueless. He's generally such a nice guy that I just can't wrap my head around the thought that he'd be so rude on purpose. Still it gets to me, and I really need to have a heart-to-heart with him and clue him in. He's not the type to get subtlety.

Baby crying for mama's milk, have to run for now but DAMN YOU BUCKEYES!

I was asleep by 8:00 on New Year's Eve . No celebrations here! I'm still feeling weak and not quite "me", but I am at least feeling a lot closer to normal. I decided to go ahead and start the new quarter at school and hope that everything calms down, as if I missed this one class it would set me back a year (not offered again until winter 08). So I started back to class yesterday! That was a strange feeling. Feels like an eternity since I've been there, even though it's only been 5 or 6 weeks in reality. I only have that one class plus one other, so I hope I'll be able to keep up.

The bills have started to roll in, and it ain't pretty! I lost my health insurance some time back (when I quit my job), so we're stuck with footing the entire bill for all this trauma as of late. Transfer to university hospital, 2 CT scans, MRI, MRA, neurologists, internal med specialists, 2 local ER visits, not to mention the birth itself (cheap in comparison!) We've applied for state aid, but I don't know if we'll qualify based on what hubby makes. I hope so, otherwise there might very well be a bankruptcy in our future. We're up over $10k already.

This experience has been very rough on our marriage, and I hope we can get back to where we were before. Hubby apparently doesn't handle crises well, and it really wasn't a good time for me to learn that. While I was at the local ER getting ready to be transferred to the bigger hospital 2 hours away, the man was home cooking his dinner; I had to call him back to the hospital and he didn't want to leave his food . But the worst is just his complete lack of understanding, and expecting everything to be fine when in fact I am NOT (or have not been) fine. No, I do not feel like cooking your dinner. No, I don't feel like going to a party with your work friends and their wives and kids two hours away two nights after coming home from my latest hospital visit. No, I didn't clean the bathroom today, and no I do not feel like taking 5 kids grocery shopping! The sad thing is that he was not working for the entire month of Dec. and even now is only working weekends in Jan. Yet he sat (and continues to sit) at his computer with the TV on all day, every day (the kids even told my mom about it ) and did/does virtually NOTHING! Why couldn't he take the list and go grocery shopping? Clean the bathroom? Fix dinner (or hell, order pizza, just feed us already!)... bathe the kiddies... you get the point. He didn't pick up the slack when I needed him to, and I guess that hurts and I don't understand it and it's causing problems for certain. He does do all the dishes every day (no dishwasher here), and play with our toddler sometimes. That's about it. I don't even know how a person can survive like that, I'd be bored to tears and stir-crazy.

Ah well, that's me. Gotta get the kiddies ready for school. See, life as normal!

Yes, I actually left the house for something not medical related today! I left hubby here with the 3 younger boys, and my daughter and I, along with my mom, went to see We Are Marshall. Great movie. Especially touching since it was filmed in a town not 50 miles from here, and everyone (my mom included - I'm not old enough!) remembers well when it happened. Strange seeing sights that I'm so familiar with on the big screen. I rather enjoyed my baby- and toddler-free 2+ hours!

Hubby, on the other hand, is a totally different story. Poor guy is asleep on the couch (it's 5:30 p.m. roughly ) from the stress of it all. Good thing he doesn't have to keep them all the time, he couldn't keep up with the naps!

The past 2 days I've finally started to feel somewhat like my normal self. In fact, last night, I finally managed to feel a little... bored! That's the first time since baby was born, since I've been feeling so bad that as soon as he's asleep I follow suit (leaving no time to get bored). But last night he went to sleep and I just wasn't tired yet! I'm taking that as a good sign, although I'm still being very careful to limit my activities and not overdo at this point. Our holiday will be somewhat muted this year, as I just haven't had the chance to do most of the things that I normally would (shopping, baking, decorating...). I'm not letting it get us down, however, as I am so thankful to be feeling in the range of "normal" that my Christmas wishes have already come true. I don't think the kiddies are going to mind a few less cookies, a few less presents, and a few less lights around the house. For now, they're happy to have their mama back.

Thanks so much to all of you who have stopped by with well wishes, thoughts, and prayers. It really does lift the spirit to know there's someone out there in cyber-land thinking of you during the rough times. Next neuro appt is Jan. 4, but I am feeling considerably better these past 2 days so I'm very hopeful.

After my outrageous bp reading the other night I hoped I'd seen the last of it. It was not to be. The following morning, I started feeling very strange, and I was all of a sudden unable to use my left arm/hand at all. I couldn't get dressed, brush my hair, or carry the baby (for fear that I'd drop him). Went back to the ER where they transferred me to a bigger hospital 2 hours away. They determined that I suffered several small strokes. I have a follow up appt here in a few hours, and I hope they can determine the cause because right now the fear is that I'll have another, larger stroke and maybe not be so lucky. If there was any doubt that this was my last baby, this has sealed the deal! Oh what I'd give to feel normal again!