I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret. :: looks around for spies ::

We're moving! We found a place! It's roughly 50 miles from here, which makes it about oh... 2 miles from hubby's work. It's on 15 acres of nice, flat land and I am oh-so-excited! Of course, it is a lot, lot smaller but we will manage. We'll rent storage if we have to with the money we save in gas, and we'll still come out ahead.

It's still a secret because we won't be moving until hubby comes back from his vacation this summer, and I really don't want my mom or my teenager to know until I absolutely have to tell them. They will both have little temper tantrums that will make any 2yo jealous I'm certain. So, much like a pregnancy, I'm really not announcing it until it "shows" . Teenager will be leaving next week for his dad's for a few weeks so maybe he won't notice all the packing going on. And I have warned both of them that we've been looking for something down that way and if we found the right place we'd be all over it. So hopefully it won't be too big a surprise that we found the right place.

The size is way less than optimal, but the acreage and the location more than make up for it. It sits on a dead end road that feels like the middle of nowhere, but in reality it only takes 10 minutes to get to the mall. One level of living space, with a kind of finished downstairs that I may give to the teenager to appease him. It's a pretty cool space for a teen I must say. I may need to utilize some of that space for food storage or something, but I think we can spare most of it. It has its own bathroom down there too.

So, we'll be looking to move toward the end of Aug. or beginning of Sept. I have a lot of work to do between now and then!

I am frustrated today. Not at all like my previous, optimistic, happy-go-lucky, cheery post. We went to a tourney about two hours from home, and I took the kids to a museum by myself on Saturday. We were outside playing at the park there when some woman came up and commented on my "next one." It took me a while to actually understand that she thought I was pregnant! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, honestly! I didn't correct her, just walked away and let her think what she will - she didn't intend to crush my spirits or ruin my day, so I decided not to embarrass her with the correction.

See, I've gained weight, maybe 15 or so lbs, with the steroids but it's not a natural weight gain. Oh no, that would be too much to ask. It is nearly ALL in my belly (and my face), so I kind of do look like I'm 5 or 6 months pregnant lol. My legs look like little chicken legs or something even though they are the same size they've always been. Compared to my big ole belly, they look strange. So on top of the fact that NONE of my clothes fit (I've bought a couple of things to get me through for now, but none of the good stuff fits), and being self conscious already about my appearance and my breathing, this lady has the audacity to comment on my pregnancy? Here is my PSA for the day: If you don't see the baby's head crowning, do not assume a woman is pregnant!

Okay, glad to get that off my chest. Today is a really rotten breathing day, so I'm going to leave it at that and get hooked back up to my oxygen for a while. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I was trying (unsuccessfully) to clear my mind and get to sleep last night, when Ty Herndon's song "Living in a Moment" kept running through my head and it really fit my mood. Well, I was thinking more of my kids but here are the lyrics that kept playing in my head:

And when they carve my stone all they'll need to write on it
Is once lived a man who got all he ever wanted
Tell me something who could ask for more
Than to be living in a moment you would die for

If I never get rich on what money can buy
It don't matter to me and I'll tell you why
I've got it all when I'm holding you this way
I'll live to love you I'd die to keep you
Safe inside these arms that need you
I'll be loving you with the very last breath I take

And this of course got me to thinking that I really *do* have everything I ever wanted. I'm cursed with this stupid disease, which yes is often terminal, but jeesh how much can one person ask for? I have five (FIVE!) beautiful, healthy, wonderful children who make me smile every. single. day.

So this of course got me to thinking about the nature of optimism, and wondering whether we are individually kind of "hard-wired" to be optimistic by nature, much in the way we might always be attracted to a tall, dark, handsome (or long and lanky as the case may be!) fellah. Are some of us born optimists? Or do our life circumstances kind of bring that out in us? I have to say that despite trials and tribulations through the years, I have always been an optimist and I've always had a kind of nonchalant attitude that things will just work out. I just don't worry about things, generally speaking.

Now this is all pretty funny because I got up this morning and checked the blog of another mama I know (only through online venues)who is struggling with lung cancer, stage IV, and who has a baby only 2 months younger than my youngest. I feel a certain kind of connection with her (even if she doesn't know it
) and try to follow her blog regularly. She also happens to be roughly the same age as me (which is to say, 25 and holding!) This morning, I got up to read a post of hers describing how very lucky she is, and how she has everything that she ever dreamed of. And only one unlucky thing, cancer. The optimism just shines through her posts, even when she's having down days.

Now I have to wonder if this is a coping mechanism that those of us dealing with serious illness utilize to get through all the crud? I'm not really in denial, I realize the implications of having this disease. I realize that I may not be around to see my children grow up, but I have to think that no one really knows that for sure and so I'm not that different from everyone else. The difference I think is that I have been forced to confront my mortality much sooner than I would have liked, ideally, and I try very hard to live each day to its fullest. Sometimes I fail, of course, but I try. Is it in my nature, or something I've developed to help me cope? I don't know.

I do feel blessed in my life, even if it happens to get cut short from the lengthy epic that I had envisioned.

So my 16yo came home from school today wanting to go away to Military School? What the ...? I thought that was what parents threatened children with when they weren't behaving? Not where children (teens especially) actually wanted to go? Interesting indeedy. He does want to join the military when he's old enough and even though I don't agree (and he knows it) it's really not my decision to make and I have to respect that. He's growing up, and I've done my job for the most part, it's time for him to fly on his own a little. Still, I really wasn't expecting him to come home asking for me to send him to a military academy to finish his last two years of high school.

Truthfully, I think it'd be a great option for him and might give him a good jumping off point for his adult life. I don't like where he is right now, he's failing out of most of his classes because he just doesn't want to do the work (he cannot see any benefit to it so he just won't do it), and his friends leave a lot to be desired. Some of them have been in and out of "juvey" (juvenile detention center), many of them smoke, etc., and I can only think of one who is a positive influence. Maybe military academy would help him focus and get him away from the negative influences?

He's certainly given me something to think about.

I'm getting ready to take my 4yo to his tee ball game which is always entertaining. They are so darned cute at that age, just running all amok where ever they decide to run if the coach isn't right there to direct them to first. They don't keep score, and everyone bats three times so there's no competetiveness to it but it sure is fun for them (and me!) He really enjoys it.

My 7yo plays baseball, but his team actually SUCKS and has lost both of their games so far by really wide margins (12-2 and 15-3). Therefore, he is not nearly as excited about playing as my 4yo.
My daughter decided not to play softball, thankfully, so right now those are the only activities we're scurrying off for.

My garden is greening up beautifully! I harvested my first spinach today, actually, and we'll be eating some for dinner tonight! How cool is that? Who knew I'd be so excited over spinach! I think everything is pretty much planted now, although I'm still looking for some canteloupe seeds or seedlings. No one has them around here, they were all sold out by the time I had a good day and got to the farm store. No worries, though, I will have watermelon (of course, I don't like watermelon...) and plenty of other yummy goodies. I do love canteloupe though, and hope I can find some seeds to start. I wonder if it's too late to order them online?

My boys are super rowdy tonight, so I'm actually finding myself happy that we're heading to the ball field in a few minutes. The others can run around there and they have a playground, so hopefully by the time we come home everyone will be tired and we can have baths and go to bed. Ahhhhh I can dream, right?

At any rate, it's been a good few days and the weather is beautiful today which always helps put me in a cheery mood. Stupid winter can stay gone as far as I'm concerned. Yuck.

Not much time as it's getting ready to rain on my laundry, but I wanted to pop on and say that 4yo is on the mend finally. His fever is gone, and while his appetite still isn't there he did eat an egg sandwich so i's getting there. He's on the couch again now, but he spent a few hours outside playing so he probably just needs some down time. So, not one hundred percent yet, but he's getting there. Hope no one else caught it from him and we're good to go.